The secret is out. I have a big brother, Jeb “The Jet” Tallidacious Redbird Barnes, III. I can’t apologize for him, but I can tell you who he is. His story, if you will.
It all started when he was making elaborate Lego models of the white house when he was 6, speaking to his imaginary friends in Arabic, using the phrase, “that’s the bomb” a bit too much. His cries were always whimpers; he answered every question with “you’ll see. Oh, you’ll see.”
At 15 he started designing shirts, and hit it big when his infamous FBI shirts - “Future Beer Inspector” - got picked up at the 1976 Munich Oktoberfest Festival as the official T-shirt of the festival. He met Muhammad Ali that year at a bar in Mulhouse, France when he claimed to the bartender that the Earth would be better if the sea was made of chocolate milk. Ali agreed.
In 1978, after moving to Moscow to learn Italian, he met a few Irish blokes in a band called the Hype. After convincing them to fire their guitarist, Dik Evans, he also persuaded them that their new name, Me3, wouldn’t work. They quickly took on his idea for a new moniker and became U2. Bono has since said that most of the band’s 1983 album, “WAR”, was written during their time with Jeb, stating “War was exactly what we were going through. The war of trying to get Jeb to stay and play with us.” The plea fell on def ears.
The next 10 years no one really knows about, except to say that Jeb got involved in a scandal that was behind the Boston Red Sox’s loss in the 1986 World Series. Legend has it that Bill Buckner and Jeb were at a bar in Boston when Jeb in drunken frustration mentioned that no one could really change the world. Bill then made a passing reference to a bet that he could, and if so, Jeb would have to give him his 1965 Buick Wildcat. Needless to say, Jeb gave him the car.
In 1994 Jeb headed the “No H.O.V. For Me” campaign in New Mexico, where he swore that the H.O.V. Lanes were the beginning of the end for civilization as we know it. The following comment Jeb made taken from the “Mondo Times”, the Albuquerque newspaper, proves my point. “The H.O.V. Lanes are nothing but a 20th century caste system, damning the less than populated families to the slow grind of the interstate, at the same time speeding the rich, well numbered families quickly on their way to their 6 bedroom estates.”
In 2001 Jeb has tried to launch the “We’re Still the World” campaign, but found that no one would get behind it. After signing on the likes of Joan Jett, Clarence Carter, Cyndi Lauper, Tracii Guns and Peabo Bryson, he felt that the lineup lacked the punch of the first, and scrapped it altogether.
The last we heard of Jeb he was in Los Angeles heading up T.A.V. -“Terrorists Against Violence” but we have a funny feeling he’s been around - see also Guns N Roses Comeback Tour, etc.
If you are out there, Jeb, come home. Come home. We miss you.
Lil Dave
